The compromises of false community…

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I have a bunch of decks of inspiration/creativity cards that I use for everything from journaling to photography. I flipped one a couple of weeks ago and the sentence on it has stuck with me.

“Loneliness may be more pleasant than the compromises of false community“

I keep picking it up and thinking about it, for a number of reasons. There is no attribution to the quote on the card.

On the surface, it seems rather gloomy. But on mulling it over, there is a lot of logic to it as well. Do you want to be someone else just to be accepted into a group? There is a big difference between fitting in and belonging. If a group or organization suggests that you need to change to be accepted, then maybe it’s not a place to be. Fitting in implies changing to fit a mold, belonging implies acceptance for who one is and what you bring.

“Fitting in” is tribal and exclusionary. Do they fit in? Are they like us? Do they think and look and speak like us? Fitting in is stationary and more of the same. It feels like an unwillingness to change.

“Belonging” is a feeling of security and support, a stable platform on which to be oneself. A sense of acceptance and inclusion. Welcome! We are so glad you’re here, tell us about your experiences and your background; your differences enrich the group and make it stronger.

If you need to be a ‘right fit’ … maybe you don’t belong.

I’ve been struggling with professional loneliness a lot in this past year. I feel like I’ve stepped into a bit of a no-man’s land. I’m no longer in my old role, or my former group, and the people in that old group that I respected and who provided me with professional support/mentorship have moved on or retired; that which remains resembles nothing of what attracted me to the role and the organization. So not being in that old role, in that old group, is a positive change.

But the changes that have occurred over the past number of years have left me with what I am realizing is not actually anger, it’s probably better described as grief. Grief for the environment that brought me to this career path, grief for the loss of the people who were my team, mildly dysfunctional as we were. Regardless of how we worked together, even when we were in strong opposition, our manager made us work together to find a best path forward and what we eventually would come up with was always a strong product. But that manager retired years ago, and others also moved on to retirement, other positions, other departments.

The different teams within the organization have now become insular, siloed; there is less cross-talk and that feels like it’s been detrimental to the overall organization. There is more of a feeling of …. territoriality (??), a lack of cohesive direction; I don’t recall feeling that in the past. It often feels like the greater ship doesn’t have a captain and so we end up debating language instead of taking action. There are so many new people, and so little remaining historical understanding of why certain risk management tools were implemented, that high risk decisions are made in isolation and without adequate consideration. Confirmation biases feel more common; we aren’t asking ourselves the hard questions….“Is this the right thing to do?” “Is this the right way to do it?” “Why might I be wrong about what I am thinking?” As I write that I realize that there is one person I deeply respect and who demonstrates the humility to ask those questions frequently. They have, more than once, called me up and said something along the lines of “I have this thought, tell me why I am an idiot for thinking it and why it’s a stupid idea“. The thing is, it was usually a really good idea and deserved some batting around. But they are in a new role and distant from those conversations now. Now I see more less-well-thought-out ideas hatched and not well discussed before being implemented. Speaking up only leads to being excluded from discussions. If not with…then….? “Well, so-and-so thought it was ok”. Great, maybe we should all have a conversation together to better understand why one of us sees some concerns….maybe so-and-so wasn’t asked the question in a fully contextual way and they didn’t understand what was really being asked. That happens a lot.

Anyway, rabbit hole there.

Sure, there was dysfunction before, but not like this. Now the entire organization seems disconnected. There is more interest in being right than in doing right. Egos feel more important than responsibility and accountability. And I’m just not sure how to manage (personally) within that sort of environment. I come from a world where questions are expected, debates are encouraged, and ideas are explored, and the goal is to try and figure out what you might be wrong about whatever you think so that, at the end, what’s left must be, if not right, at least less wrong.

Oops, looked into the rabbit hole again.

So that quote that’s been nibbling away at the corners of my mind…. I was sitting in traffic downtown the other day and looked out to see a fire hydrant with some wilted flowers draped over it – some hellebores, a daffodil, and a few hosta leaves; a hodgepodge of spring things. It was both a sad and lonely scene, but also one that spoke of other questions. Why were those particular botanicals at that spot, at Granville and Howe, across from the Art Gallery, outside the Hotel Vancouver. Who put them there? Was there a meaning?

And it made me remember the card. It seemed to fit the scene for some reason.

And that’s just where my brain is at today, a day before I head back to the office after a week in the field followed by a week off.

Happy to be getting back to the work I enjoy.

Dreading what new bureaucracy is being implemented to head off the ability to do functional work.