I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in my life, particularly the women. So many amazing and strong willed women who have influenced me through the years that have passed.
These are some of the ones that are directly related to me, on one side of the family; only one is no longer physically in this world. That’s Mom, at the top. She exists between Prince George and the Pacific Ocean….all along the Fraser River. We let her rejoin the stardust at Cottonwood Park in 2013.
The others?
Mom’s sister, Ilene
Mom’s cousins, my second cousins, Gael and Janene.
My sister-in-law, Julie.
My cousin, Alana.
My niece, Ken.
And yes, I’m in there too.
Every one of these women has impacted my life in a positive manner.
And there are so many other women who have impacted my life positively. Labmates, friends, work colleagues. I feel like I have never really fully appreciated the challenges of being a woman, and the network of amazing women that have swirled through my existence. I was never a table thumping advocate, but maybe I should have been sooner. In the past few years there have been external impacts on my life that I had never experienced before. Those impacts made me question my value. They made me question my sense of place.
Events since then have made me angry. I used to say frustrated, but I wasn’t frustrated.
I was angry.
I think most women have reason to be angry, but we don’t acknowledge that anger.
I read somewhere that anger is frequently grief that one has sat with, grief that had no where to go. I’ve felt grief over work situations….and can attest that work grief can exist, and it can change into anger, and that anger is often justified, but suppressed because of social constructs designed to keep women in their place.
I’m not a ‘get up on the stage’ sort, but I have started to try and reach out to a few strong women that I admire. Have regular chats with them. Mentor the ones who want it……learn from the ones willing to mentor. Every conversation goes both ways.
Sometimes it’s difficult to accept compliments from others. But this week has provided a few “feels” moments. Like reading a message from someone telling me I am a wonderful human (I’m not). Another message telling me that I’ve played a formative role in their life (they must be delusional). A female student expressing gratitude for being an approachable, supportive and helpful human at the other end to the email (traumatized by end of term?).
I don’t feel any of those things. And I brush them away usually because to accept them is to see myself as more human that I typically want to allow myself to be.
Last night we went to see Alison Moyet at the Vogue. She spoke a lot between songs. She spoke about getting older and feeling at odds with the world. She spoke about letting things go, of becoming wiser and it becoming easier to shift to being an observer. She spoke about being kinder to ourselves, particularly when we feel like we are failing at the simple act of being a human being.
Because at some point we have all felt like we are failing miserably at being a human being.
It resonated.
So to all the women in my life.
To those who have passed through and moved on.
To those with the courage to argue with me.
To those who were unintentionally cruel to me.
To those who I may have been unintentionally cruel to.
To those I have taught.
To those who have taught me.
To those I have stuck up for.
To those who have stuck up for me.
To those I chose.
And to those who chose me.
To those who wormed their way in past my defences, made me see how fabulous you are, and stuck around.
To those who found themselves stuck with me for whatever reason….work, volunteering….whatever.
You are all my family, every one of you.
You are all so fucking amazing!
I hope you realize that.
❤️
“Don’t you worry, this will all make sense tomorrow,
Don’t be sorry, that everything we shared will fade away
There’s so much to see in each new day,
They’d never understand, I’m not an ordinary girl”
Alison Moyet – Ordinary Girl
