The odds of running into each other in a sea of people seemed minimal, but it happened. You seemed oblivious to the situation. Did you really fail to recognize that this happened months ago? Or were you just embarrassed because of where, when, and in front of who we accidentally crossed paths? Did you feel betrayed? I didn’t want to hurt you, I just had to get away from you, because you have become a negative factor in my life.
It doesn’t matter how we got here. Sometimes lives converge unexpectedly, and then, just as surprisingly, they diverge. And usually it can’t be adequately explained. It just is, and that can hurt because it is confusing.
I needed to escape because you were hurting me. I don’t think you meant to, or maybe you did, unconsciously, I prefer to think not, but I don’t know, because you’ve done callous things to me before, in the past. So either you have no real empathy, no concept of when you are being selfish and how it impacts other people, or you knew exactly what you were doing, taking advantage to fuel your own desires. But your single minded focus on your own wants were damaging, suffocating, too much so this time. You failed to consider the consequence of putting your immediate wants ahead of absolutely everything, and expecting others to do the same. It’s not realistic, or respectful, to take everything you want at the expense of others without losing something in the process. It’s unsustainable, eventually something snaps. I can’t give you what you seem to need, although I’m not sure that you actually know what it is you need or want yourself. I felt used. You took too much, and gave nothing – not that I was expecting anything, but after awhile it becomes to obvious that a relationship is one sided, and I didn’t want to be near you anymore, I’m getting less tolerant of selfishness as I age, I have been working towards simplifying life, you wear people out. You are not healthy for me at this point in time.
Years ago a close friend pulled the rug out from under me. I felt lost and confused. I was devastated by what I perceived as her abandonment. The only explanation I received was that we had grown into different people and our views of the world had become too different for her.
There was more to it than that then, and there is now too. Recently, fifteen years later, we reconnected and I tentatively asked what had happened to make her vacate the friendship. She said that she had expectations that were unrealistic for me to ever achieve, she had somehow created an ideal of me that wasn’t sustainable, the expectations were in her mind and had nothing to do with me at all, but with herself. It took her years to realize that it wasn’t my fault, that she had unfairly judged me on her own expectations. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life, people placing unrealistic expectations and conditions, but not ever defining or communicating them, never providing me the chance to clarify that not only can I not fulfil them, but that I usually have no intention of doing so. Where I enjoy debate with open minded people, when there is flexibility and respect on both sides, she couldn’t move beyond her own views and couldn’t see how the other side worked, how different opinions could coexist with some degree of compromise and flexibility. She couldn’t – or wouldn’t – compromise her own opinions. At least not then. But life is about compromises. Failure to compromise leads to isolation and unhappiness for one who can’t shift from their own idealized focus. And when one party fails to compromise, it never ends well. A marriage, three children, and 15 years have taught her a lot about compromising. My father taught me the art of compromise at a young age – debate, explain, reach an agreement about a position. I don’t think you have learned those lessons yet.
Is it fair to be upset when someone fails to live up to expectations? Of course not. Maybe they disappointed you? Perhaps you felt safer in a relationship when the other behaved in a way you thought you could predict? Maybe you were mirroring your own expectations of yourself onto them? Maybe a bit of all of those. The problem is that people rarely live up to expectations. They end up feeling suffocated and you feel disappointed. They abandon you, and you lay blame everywhere but on yourself. You fail to be introspective and examine the real underlying issues.
As with her, I think you expected something of me, something unrealistic, maybe you expected me to be fully supportive of everything, even when you encroached and stepped across personal boundaries that you failed to recognize, even when it clashed head-on with – and sometimes hijacked – me, but I was supposed to be the one to put everything aside. I bent, and finally I gave way, but away, not towards. I’d had enough.
It is the expectations that cause difficulties, not the corresponding divergent actions of others, unless they truly are malicious. Having expectations that others can’t live up to, those they have no reasonable reason to live up to, can only lead to disappointment. It’s easy to blame, it’s harder to look inwards. Because expectations eventually fail to be met, things go off track. If we’ve known someone for awhile we’ve probably let them down at some point too. When views of the world, and mechanisms for moving through it and navigating people and personalities, diverge so significantly that the commonalities are outnumbered by the differences and it becomes uncomfortable, with emotional impact, then it may be time to move on and let go.
Are you watching? Are you listening? Are you still there? In trying to change, have you forgotten who you are, who you were? Are you trying to reinvent yourself? If you change too drastically, you always lose something in the process, usually people, because they get stepped on as you climb over them. If you want to grow, if you need to metamorphose into something completely new, then you need to shed things too. You need to accept that you can’t take everything with you. You will be angry, you will lay blame and shift responsibility away from yourself. But that is to be expected. Hopefully you will eventually see things differently. Learn to expect less of people, and learn to take responsibility for your own behaviour. If you aren’t willing to give, how can you expect others to?
There is no point in seeking fault. Life is like a closet full of clothes and accessories. Lovingly chosen, or gifted to you, at different points in time, for different reasons. But sometimes things no longer fit the same, they become too large, or too small, and you need to fold them up and put them away for awhile, or let them go completely. Sometimes that garment or accessory may come back into fashion because styles and perceptions shift. Maybe putting it away wasn’t an ending, it was a pause for air. Or maybe not. Time will tell, stop expecting so much, stop forcing your expectations on others. You wanted everything, but you were unwilling to give, even a little.
“We don’t always have to go away mad but, sometimes, we just have to go away.”
It’s the best I can offer, I’m sure it won’t suffice.
Breathe.
Be happy.